Hi Reader,
I've been reflecting on a book I discovered about a decade ago that had a profound impact on me when I first read it.
I first listened to it on Audible and when I met my wife she had the paperback version.
I'm going to revisit this at least once a year.
There was something simple about it that I remember working when I first tried it.
I'm talking about The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, first written around 1997.
What makes this book so powerful is its promise: it reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering.
It's ancient Toltec wisdom that Don Miguel Ruiz generously distilled into this short read.
What I love most about this book is how accessible it is.
The text is very, very big on a lot of pages, which I really love.
You can get through it in a day if you really want to.
But most importantly, the four agreements stick with you even years later, you'll remember the ones that impacted you most.
Here's why I'm sharing this with you now:
A decade later, I realized that so many of the things I wanted (and many I've gotten), were held back by self-limiting beliefs more than external obstacles.
When I first read this book, I was already chasing all the knowledge, doing everything I could in a lot of areas.
But I realized the real obstacle wasn't external.
It was me.
There's already too much working against us we don't need our own mind working against us too.
Self-limiting beliefs are particularly dangerous because they shut down your thinking process completely.
Your mind stops asking questions like "How is this possible?" or "What would make this easier?"
You don't even give yourself space to explore alternatives.
Let me break down these four agreements that have stood the test of time:
1. Be Impeccable with Your Word
"Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love."
This agreement has two crucial parts:
- How you speak to yourself
- How you speak about others
Think about it we have 60,000 to 70,000 thoughts daily, with up to 12,000 of them being the same repetitive thoughts.
These thoughts are made up of words, and many of us speak to ourselves differently (often more harshly) than we would to our loved ones or even strangers.
When you deploy your words to hurt yourself or others, you waste energy that could be directed toward growth.
Instead, try using your words as tools for progress.
Extract the utility: "Yes, I made a mistake. Here's what I could have done better."
Then let those words help you move forward instead of holding you back.
This rule is particularly helpful if you're very self-critical and hard on yourself (like I am).
It can help balance things out so you don't need to suffer as much or beat yourself up as much on route to where you want to go.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
"Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."
This agreement is incredibly potent but challenging to implement.
I've tried and failed at this many times, but the few moments where I executed it successfully, both ten years ago and today, I've experienced more confidence, less self-consciousness, and more peace.
It's like meditation or finding flow you may only experience a few seconds or minutes of it, but we spend all this time trying to get there because it's worth it.
When you don't take things personally, you feel more connected to everyone not just people close to you, but strangers too.
Think about your last traffic experience: someone cuts someone off, and people react like "this person was out for me!"
This happens day in and day out in small moments and big moments.
Taking things personally creates unnecessary loneliness because it makes you feel like others are against you.
But when you remember that others' actions reflect their reality not yours you create more space for yourself to exist.
3. Don't Make Assumptions
"Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life."
This might be the hardest agreement of all for me, and I'm ashamed to admit I still struggle with it the most.
Our brains are wired to make assumptions.
It's how we've survived.
When I was doing stand-up comedy, every joke, every line relied on assumptions what are they thinking when I say this? Before, during, after?
How do I hit the second, third, or fourth assumption they don't see coming?
In today's day and age, we're nervous to look stupid.
How many times have you thought "This person is mad at me" and lived in that story rather than simply asking, "Are you upset with me?"
This agreement requires childlike curiosity sometimes playing a little "dumb" and asking questions even when you think you know the answer.
It's about finding the courage to clarify and to express what you really want instead of hoping others will figure it out.
4. Always Do Your Best
"Your best is going to change from moment to moment. It will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret."
This agreement is genius and one I've used with my coaching clients all the time.
Your capacity varies day to day.
When you're training for an event, sport, adding muscle, or losing weight, you'll have fresh days (like Monday and Tuesday) and tired days (by Friday, your energy levels aren't the same).
By week three of a training cycle, you simply won't feel as fresh as in week one.
The weight on the bar isn't the only metric you can use to judge yourself.
If you try to lift the same weight when you're tired as when you're fresh, you could seriously hurt yourself.
The intention to do your best is what matters most.
Two people with vastly different abilities a former professional athlete and someone just beginning to exercise can both be doing their very best with completely different exercises.
What they bring to that moment is what matters.
When you choose to do your best in every moment, with whatever you have available, you remove any opportunity for self-doubt to creep in later.
There's no room for "I should have tried harder" when you know you gave everything you had in that moment.
I encourage you to start with one or two agreements that come more naturally to you but that you can practice with more intention.
Then, pick an agreement that's actually tough for you (for me it's "don't make assumptions" and "don't take anything personally") and focus on applying it throughout your day.
You could knock all these out in a week where every day you focus on a different agreement and just notice how your day actually changes.
Are you experiencing more calm, peace, and joy with less suffering?
Are you overcoming self-limiting beliefs?
When you find yourself stuck, come back to these agreements and ask which one you're ignoring.
With only four to keep track of, it gives your brain a good anchor point: "Oh right, you're making a lot of assumptions today" or "Today you're taking everything personally, and that's really throwing you off your normal base."
These four agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can transform your life.
I hope you'll find at least one agreement you can apply right away after reading this.
I know I will.
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Until next time,
Misbah Haque
Founder & Consultant at Pod Mahalโ
Writer & Host of Habit Chessโ
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P.S. If you want a hand with starting or growing your podcast, book a free strategy call here.
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